November 25, 2011
My best friend died today.
We held hands, becki and I, squeezing every now and then, not daring to let go, hoping that some magic would kick in and our joint hands would bring him back. We had watched him. His labor breathing slowed. We know he was hurting. We know he’s in a better place. None of that takes away our pain.
I keep expecting to see him. His dark coat. His beautiful, soft, black coat. We kept some of it.
I keep expecting to hear him. His nails tap tap tapping on the bamboo floor. His prreow—I’m hungry.
I keep expecting to feel him. His twenty pounds of fur and fat flop onto my unsuspecting stomach. His soft velvety paws.
I said goodbye
I said I love you.
I said thank you for everything you’ve done.
I said thank you for being my friend.
I wasn’t ready.
It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.
He was supposed to die of old age.
He wasn’t supposed to get cancer.
He wasn’t supposed to get heart disease.
He was only five.
He was my baby.
my friend
my confidant
I want him here. With me. Now.
I want to see him running down the stairs cause he hears the can opener.
He was too young.
My heart isn’t broken. It’s shattered. My husband tries to help me pick up the pieces, but it’s difficult. Every time I see his bowl, or think I hear him meow, I drop all the pieces again and cry the rest of my heart out.
It doesn’t feel right.
There is something missing.
The padding of little paws is gone.
He supposed to be sleeping on the couch. He’s supposed to roll over and look at me with those beautiful eyes.
To the very end those eyes were telling me everything would be ok. We lied for each other. I lied, telling him it was just medicine. It was going to make everything ok. Just like he told me.
I prayed. I begged God not to take him. What could He possibly want with a cat? He was so young. I promised I’d do anything, everything. I’d finish every project I ever started. I’d stop my schooling and start having kids. I wouldn’t go to Korea. I would give up everything to make that little ball of fur healthy, happy and whole again.
I know he’s still out there. He didn’t just cease to exist because his heart stopped. I know he’s watching over me. I just wish I could watch him too.
two of my favorite guys in the whole world.
i will love you always, Bigotes.
