November 25, 2011
My best friend died today.
We held hands, becki and I, squeezing every now and then, not daring to let go, hoping that some magic would kick in and our joint hands would bring him back. We had watched him. His labor breathing slowed. We know he was hurting. We know he’s in a better place. None of that takes away our pain.
I keep expecting to see him. His dark coat. His beautiful, soft, black coat. We kept some of it.
I keep expecting to hear him. His nails tap tap tapping on the bamboo floor. His prreow—I’m hungry.
I keep expecting to feel him. His twenty pounds of fur and fat flop onto my unsuspecting stomach. His soft velvety paws.
I said goodbye
I said I love you.
I said thank you for everything you’ve done.
I said thank you for being my friend.
I wasn’t ready.
It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.
He was supposed to die of old age.
He wasn’t supposed to get cancer.
He wasn’t supposed to get heart disease.
He was only five.
He was my baby.
my friend
my confidant
I want him here. With me. Now.
I want to see him running down the stairs cause he hears the can opener.
He was too young.
My heart isn’t broken. It’s shattered. My husband tries to help me pick up the pieces, but it’s difficult. Every time I see his bowl, or think I hear him meow, I drop all the pieces again and cry the rest of my heart out.
It doesn’t feel right.
There is something missing.
The padding of little paws is gone.
He supposed to be sleeping on the couch. He’s supposed to roll over and look at me with those beautiful eyes.
To the very end those eyes were telling me everything would be ok. We lied for each other. I lied, telling him it was just medicine. It was going to make everything ok. Just like he told me.
I prayed. I begged God not to take him. What could He possibly want with a cat? He was so young. I promised I’d do anything, everything. I’d finish every project I ever started. I’d stop my schooling and start having kids. I wouldn’t go to Korea. I would give up everything to make that little ball of fur healthy, happy and whole again.
I know he’s still out there. He didn’t just cease to exist because his heart stopped. I know he’s watching over me. I just wish I could watch him too.
two of my favorite guys in the whole world.
i will love you always, Bigotes.
Oh danica....you got me crying from 5,000 miles away.
ReplyDeleteI know your pain.
at the risk of sounding cliche, I also know you will see him again, but it will be more than that in heaven. It will be more than just holding him and kissing him once again - I fully and whole-heartedly believe he will be able to thank you for your love, and you him. I believe you will understand each other in heaven, far better than we ever did on earth.
you will always carry him in your heart, and he will always be a pitter-patter of the paws away in spirit. <3
You don't sound cliche. Thank you, Meghan. I just wish I could see him sooner than later. I always felt he understood me, but he was way beyond me.
ReplyDeleteYou have me crying, too. Of course seeing kitty litter makes me cry right now. Thanks so much, you really made me feel better. It will take a while for me to see that litter or his bowls, or his fur and not cry. heck, just thinking about it get me, but I know in the end, it will be ok. one day. Thanks, Meg.
Danica. I wish I could make this less difficult for you. I know the pain of losing a pet, and it is not an easy one. You get used to their habits, much like the way you get used to siblings or children. They become your best friends, the ones who know all your secrets.
ReplyDeleteYou did your best to give him a good life and he knows that.
I love you <3
Thanks Nikki. I love you too. I really miss him. I never really noticed how big a part of my life he was. He was my friend, and he always would be there. That's just the way it was supposed to be.
ReplyDelete